Saturday, November 29, 2014

I Am Wrong

Small worlds inclined
Growing upwards in my ears
Calming all my quarrels,
Subsiding all my tears.
For I was torn in soul,
At the threads of who I am.
Once a tall machine,
Now growing to a man.

Once an iron-will so strong
Replaced with flesh and bone.
A thing so fearsome, deadly wrong
With want to stay alone.
Blood now flows through rusted veins
And spirals aching down.
To think that I believed... At last!
My silence breaking down.

Withered heart and weary soul
Disenchanted by the gown
Worn by the wayside pirates
Turning souls, taking flesh by pound.
I ached to say that I was wrong
To speak as mortals should.
Yet I couldn't trust the words to speak
For I trusted I was good.

Dingy walls and paling lights
All hung with my dismay/
A world so dark and dismal cold
Ruled by thoughts of my parade.
I boasted of my failing wires
I tripped and sighed and stood.
A day old machine, an infant to speak
Screaming silence so deep in the wood.

Oh the beasts of deep desires
A want to be understood.
A feeling of entitlement
Of disregard for all that is good.
The power of maliciousness
The call to leave myself.
The choice so cold in front of me
Knowing poverty is wealth.

All the days so dark and deep
Of dogmatism and styles
My tongue was false, my talk was cheap
And cheated with many wiles.
Even I deceived myself
Parading my own display
Oh what a beautiful thing
To unmask the mess I have made.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Do Not Follow

Do not follow your emotions,
Treacherous things they be,
Ready to sell you to despair and hate.

Do not follow your heart,
So full of evil and wickedness,
Do not wait for it to desire good.

Follow only Me,
For I AM the only way.
Follow my voice alone,
And you will find that it
Brings you Home.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Where To Begin?

I only have a few minutes gals and guys, but I thought I'd tell you a few things.

- Moving out has been AMAZING, and far less scary than I ever thought. I mean, I knew I was ready, but my heart had been so prepared; I knew where I would be moving for almost a year, and so I felt quite at home when I finally got all my stuff in. I am moved out... Wow... More on that later.

- My mom and siblings (and dad) moved into a smaller place only seven minutes from me, and they live RIGHT off main street in our little town. LOVE!

- I have anxiety. I get scared over stupid things, and I think far too much about what people think of me. I have learned that I am delicate, I am sensitive, and denying that only makes it worse. I am not ok. But that's ok. I will get better. I will be healed. The biggest thing I have to do is to let go of everything. I feel like I'm learning to let go. I'm not going to ever have any more joy than what I have at the moment. I have to grow joy, I have to cultivate it by basking in God's love. It sounds so cliche, but how many times do I struggle because I don't simply do what He says to do, or because I fight Him over the little things?

- Its quiet. Quiet is good. Its good for the soul. LORD, quiet my heart and my mind. Let me be focused on you because you are all that I see.

- Let the waves wash over you, If you are busy trying to catch waves and put them in a place where they will never die, you will end up frustrated. Waves are passing things, not meant to be stored or kept. When Jesus comes, He will make all things solid, all things real, so just let life flow through your fingers, enjoy the good, know that the bad doesn't last forever, and keep in mind that there will come a time when all things are settled forever.

- Time stops for no man. Do whatever is important NOW. Time will never slow down for you, you must slow him down.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

The Misadventures of Rachel & Ashley

Some announcements need videos... This would be one of them...
I can't believe I'm saying this, but my sister and I are moving out. At the same time, my parents are moving into an apartment. The whole world is changing. It feels like season 8 of Little House on the Prairie... So exciting, so weird, so awesome, kinda scary. Watch out world, here we come! More details later ;)

Monday, September 22, 2014

Media Review: The Edge of the Earth EP

Um, yeah... totally 5/5

This isn't so much of a media review, as a rant on what is beautiful. Switchfoot, I would like to thank you for being obedient and doing work that others might view as trivial, shallow, and unimportant. There have been countless times that your voices and instruments have sung me to sleep when all hope seemed lost. Your music was a safe place. Your songs encouraged me. They prodded me to get back up and go the distance. I needed these songs. I needed them on the day they came out. So thank you. I can't say that enough.  

Friday, September 19, 2014


Make me the way I was when I was three
Take away the blindness so that I can see.
Break my pride that overrides your symphony
And stitch my wounds, the ones that I can't see.

I know you'll finish LORD, you'll cover me
And when I cry at night you'll comfort me.
When I'm unsure of your love for me
Your strong arms are my company.

I know you'll make me strong but not the same
Life is made for us a dangerous game.
You'll make my feet to stand within the pain
You'll keep me for the sake of your name.


The wreck of the world fell on us,
and it was our fault.
It was me and you,
You and I who breached the walls.
We punched our numbers,
pushed His buttons till we had to leave.
And you and I departed
We parted too numb to grieve.

Where is Eden? That place I have forgot...
Where is Eden? There was a garden...
In the cool of the evening there was a God.
Where is Eden? Could it all have been a dream?
Where is Eden? Why does nothing seem right anymore...

The fault lines, the lines of fault
Rested with us.
I looked deep in the mirror
And saw no one to trust.
So I ran and ran
Across the sand
And fell upon the road.
It was thrilling me, now its killing me
Is this an imaginary load?

Where is Eden? That place my soul could rest...
Where is Eden? There all the colors stand undressed.
Where is Eden? Could it all have been a dream?
Where is Eden? Why does nothing seem right anymore...

- - -

How hard it was to realize that Eden was over.
How hard it was to wake up cold, feel my guilt
I'd groan and roll over.
How hard it was to understand that Eden was forever gone,
and it was my fault!
It was my fault.

I tried to push what couldn't be.
I became my own enemy.
I became an enemy of God.
My brain was a lion
Wild and restless
My heart full of pain, dirt and distresses
Couldn't hope anymore
Couldn't feel anymore.
But I remembered something someone said before
There is a door... somewhere... it leads to home... somehow... there is a door somewhere... there is a door... yeah, there's a door...

- - -

I searched through the house I had made.
Made of mud and sticks.
I searched all my doors
But they only led to dusty closets
Full of memories
That I'd hate to recall.

Oh the feeling of numbness would it ever leave... me.
Don't give me a single thing to eat.
Don't dare, I came from off the street.
I knew that I was bad through and through
But the wounds were gaping and I hadn't a thing to do.

Doctors, doctors offer their wares
Telling of their cures for your cares.
Friends and family don't understand,
Couldn't you make yourself a happier man?
The world seems cold without any light
And you bite back and slice with your knife.

The world is cold and nobody knows
That the blankets they offer you are see-through and old.
If not in tatters, they aren't really there
and they offer you them up
confused at your blank stare.

No, no, no, no, its not what I want.
No, no, no, no, why was Eden lost...
It was just a dream and nothing more
So why do I long for, why do I long for, why do I long for the door...

- - -

I listened to advice.
I heeded it.
But monsters came around me to feed on it.
Whatever food I had, they ate,
Leaving me with gnawing hunger and an empty plate.

I will fill myself, now!
I will fill myself.
I will fill myself, now!
I can fill myself.

And so with things disgraceful
With thoughts borrowed and sold
I tried to comfort and ease
My wounded, wearied soul.

But all of their answers
Didn't meet with my replies
So dark was the atmosphere
It blackened out the sky.

They whispered, "Do you say you're holy?"
Look at what you've made.
There is no love. Just dust, and lust, and graves.
Just look at your shoulders, bony from lack of trust.
Just look at your stomach, bloated from ease and us!"

Tears dripped down.
What they said was true.
I wasn't holy.
I didn't have a clue.
Its not that I'm holy.
I just want away from you.

"You're dependent on us! Such lack of trust!
We are you're only companions now..."

Its true I'm not holy,
But I want out....
I just cannot stay here,
I've locked down.
My spirits in tatters,
I have hardly one drop of faith,
But someone said that there's a door,
Someone said there's a gate.

"Why talk to yourself this way? You'll never,
ever get out! Why dream of Eden?
Those dreams are dead and out!
Just leave yourself this way
Just leave yourself to us
Cause the locusts that will eat you
are the only friends you've got now!"


My head is down,
forehead low to the ground.
My brain is tired
My body is cold with fire
And everything's wrong,
as wrong as could be
I've been trying all the doors!
But I haven't got the key...

There was a God
Back in the garden.
There was a God
A long time ago.
Was He for real?
Was it in my head alone?
When I killed the garden
Did I kill its very Lord, its very Lord...

My heart is down
The blood beats fast within my ears
My pulse is scared,
I feel I might explode...
Everything's so wrong!
As wrong as it could be!
Where is that door?
Who has that key!!!

There was a God
Back in the garden.
There was a God
A long time ago.
Was He for real?
Was it in my head alone?
When I killed the garden
Did I kill its very Lord, its very Lord...

Now I remember something
Something worth remembering,
I remember this song that the God of dreams
used to sing.
I remember something, that He sang soft and slow
I hear it gently rumble from this throat, and He'd say
"If you wandered far, you are never alone. The dark you find,
because your eyes are closed. If you ask me to come and make things bright,
you will find me, and see I never, ever left your side..."

- - -

Oh but the doubt is deep.
So I call,
and hear my name from Him.
But its just a dream.
I'm far away from Him.

He can't be real.
Such a shame, but then
I'm a grown up girl,
gotta live in the real world.

But the longing's sweet.
Like the first taste off the vine.
What if its real?
And I insist I close my eyes...
Maybe I will blink!
Did I see a flash of light?
Maybe what I think
Is all in this head of mine...

I see a face. Somewhere inside of me
Sirens are going off.
Its always been real,
Its always been real,
Eden was full of wonder...
But I hear voices, voices inside,
"What do you think? What do you think?
You think He can free you now, well, girl, you're ours now!"

And the battle rages.
For days and days and days.
I barely sleep.
I barely eat.
The evil songs they'd play.
"You will never, no you'll never get it right.
Don't be deceived, don't be deceived, you belong to the night!"

But very small in the back of my mind, 
is the voice I know that's true. 
It tells me this was all played out before, 
and that the way to come out is tell the truth, 
believe the truth, and love the truth. 

I almost believe. 
But the going gets hard. 
I almost believe
But my vision is dark. 
I almost believe
Have patience with me 
Have patience with me
Have patience with me... 
I am so worn out, 
My soul is wearing thin... 

I always say never again
and then I give in. 
I must belong to the night. 
I must belong to sin. 
I'm so sorry...
You can kill me if you like... 
I'm so sorry... 
You have no idea, 
How much I long for the light. 

- - - 

She doesn't know, 
She doesn't see
She's already walking in righteousness with me. 
She doesn't know, 
She cannot see, 
So have patience with my Beloved. 
She doesn't know 
She doesn't see 
She's already walking in righteousness with me. 
She doesn't know. 
She doesn't see, 
So have patience with my Beloved. 

Tears fall hard when I am down. 
How could anyone say I'm innocent now? 
How could anyone say I'm innocent now? 

She doesn't know, 
She doesn't see
She's already walking in righteousness with me. 
She doesn't know, 
She cannot see, 
So have patience with my Beloved.

My heart has grown so hard. 
I think I'm too far back in the dark 
I think I'm too far back in the dark. 
I think I'm far past saving now... 

She doesn't know, 
She doesn't see
She's already walking in righteousness with me. 
She doesn't know, 
She cannot see, 
So have patience with my Beloved.

If this were true, it would be sweet
And I could walk in victory
But my fears are so crippling
And my doubt is too strong...

She doesn't know, 
She doesn't see
She's already walking in righteousness with me. 
She doesn't know, 
She cannot see, 
So have patience with my Beloved.

I think I hear your voice
But I'm too frightened to make the choice
How many times have I caved at noise.... 
I far too damaged, you don't want me, 
Go away!

She doesn't know, 
She doesn't see
She's already walking in righteousness with me. 
She doesn't know, 
She cannot see, 
So have patience with my Beloved.

What do you offer? 
What is to gain? 
I'm so worn out
I'm passed through by rain. 
What do you offer? 
I'm scared of choice... 
How often have I caved 
Midst silence or the noise.

I don't offer any excuses
You have wronged
and can't make it up
You are frail
and full of weakness
But my arms 
will brace you up. 
When you are weak I am strong
My blood can right any wrong. 
Look at me in the face
The streaks of blood 
are your saving grace. 

Stop! I am trying... to save you... to spare you
Some disgrace, I'm no child of yours... 

You were mine before space and time. You were mine!
You were mine! I'm jealous over you! I'm jealous over you!
I will save you for my namesake! I have pledged myself to you, 
and I stand by my word, I always stand by my word. 

- - -

I pound my fist against the door.
Sorely blistered, it can't pound no more.
I try to stand on shaky feet
But I fall down, for I am weak.

Nothing matters anymore.
You are real and out of my reach.
Nothing matters anymore
I have sinned, there's no stopping me
This is defeat.

- - -

I will being healing
For I Am Healer. 
I will bring rest, 
For I Am Shepherd
I'll hold you close
For I Am Father
I Am the Sacrifice
On the alter. 

You can't change a single thing, 
Not a single thing, 
A single thing. 
You can't change anything, love. 

I can change everything, 
Yes everything,
I can change anything, love. 

You are the apple of my eye. 
Nothing of you passes from my sight. 
I see the shadows that slow you down. 
I feel how fastly your heart beats now. 

If you could just trust me
and let go of everything
and let go of everything. 
If you could just trust me
and let go of everything
and let go of everything 
I'd be enough. 

- - -

I wish this heart of rust
Could trust the keysmith.
But I can't find the door
My heart is sore, my heart is sore
My palms are sweaty.
There's nothing left to trust,
Nothing left at all.
I'm scared of myself
So ashamed of when I fall.

I am my enemy.
I'm my own enemy.
Please get away from me
I'm not safe.
I am my enemy.
I'm my own enemy
Because I love you
I'll run away.

I wish this heart of lust
Could trust the Lover
But I can't find the faith
I can't see anyway
Out of this misery
I'm so ashamed to see
There's no one stopping me
Stopping me at all
I'm enraged at myself.
Enraged when I fall.

I am my enemy.
I'm my own enemy.
Please get away from me
I'm not safe.
I am my enemy.
I'm my own enemy
Because I love you
I'll run away.

- - - 

Hear these words, my Beloved. 
What hand carried you in the dark? 
Whose very words held your heart? 
Who got you to a standing place? 
Who formed your soul in the deepest place? 
Can you answer me? I am not enraged. 
Just answer me, from the strongest of places. 
Your heart is infinite, and longs to join mine
I know you're scared of it, but you'll be alright. 

I guess it was you. 
I hope that its true. 
Yeah, I guess it was you
But what if not? 
What if its all in my head? 
Oh what's gonna happen when I'm dead? 
You know I long for Heaven 
But dream up Hell. 
I'm scared of this 
Far too scared to tell...

Hear these words, my Beloved. 
I'll give you the faith
Its yours just to take. 
Hear these words 
From a broken heart, 
I have always loved you, 
right from the very start. 
And I'm never giving up on you. 
No I'm never giving up on you, 
Once you believe it, 
And banish the lie,
The monsters will cower
Inside the light,
and you will discover, 
You are alright, 
and I'll bandage your wounds, 
and hold you through the night, 
oh I'll kiss your wounds, 
and hold you so tight. 

Have faith, Beloved!
There's a meaning to it all. 
Have faith, Beloved!
He knows you can't feel at all. 
But have faith, Beloved!
He'll catch you when you fall. 
Have faith, Beloved! 
That faith will be a wall. 

- - - 

So dismayed.
Swaying inside.
I thought I found the key.
I thought I saw the light.
But only defeat is mine.
It is inevitable, isn't it?
It is.
Failure alone
is mine to own.
I'm all alone.
There is no throne,
and no one upon it
who can free me from myself....
But there is... Somewhere...
But He is far away.
My desires are too great.
I am my greatest enemy
so full of depravity
the grip of it is killing me.

- - -

Oh Beloved. 
Have I walked with you so long 
To have you disbelieve 
Oh Beloved, 
every song you hear
are the words I speak, 
I'm speaking so loud and clear. 
You are not what you do
You are who I've made you
And I've made you to be a part of me
And my work. 
You are not the sin, 
There is a monster within, 
But I can cure the broken part, 
Come with me and we'll start over. 

- - -

Almost winning,
and then I sink again.
Believing lies
and losing friends.
Almost there
and then I choke.
Wish I could stop
Before the whole world broke.

I need a savior
I need a friend
I need a father
Someone to mend
this broken heart
so frail from the start
I've got evil in my bones

Didn't think I was so bad
Wanted an excuse
Wanted to shirk
All the reproofs
Wanted to believe
It was all gravity
Didn't want to believe
It's my depravity.
Wanted to wake up,
From the night,
Wanted to stop
The evil delight.
But I couldn't break it
I've got evil in my bones
I couldn't shake it
There's evil in my bones.

There is pettiness
and jealousy.
There is evil I don't want to see.
Taking advantage
Throwing out love,
Is there no stopping
My Hades drug.

- - -

She can win in the dead of night
She can win if she surrenders
So long she was proud
So long she was her own, 
Now is her chance 
to leave pride alone. 
She can win in the cold of night
If she believes 
that I don't leave her side. 
If she can remember
all the things she said
all of those good things I put in her head
If she chooses me
She will be set free
No curse in inevitable
No evil has to be. 
If she chooses sin
I'll let her go, 
But pain won't ever leave her alone. 
If she chooses me, 
She will be set free
No curse is to large 
to put under my feet
When I died for the world 
And obeyed my God
I died for her
and the things she thought. 

- - - 

She can't remember
She can't remember love
She can't be close to you
She can't be close to us
She can't remember
She feels there is no choice
The evil inside
Is drowning out your voice.

But she can be healed. 
I can heal the wounds
She shall be healed 
Should she choose
She can be healed 
I will close the wounds
She can be healed
I will stitch her soon. 

- - -

You cannot lose my love!
It is strong enough to battle all in all
You cannot lose my love!
Resist the Devil, and he will fall. 
You cannot lose my love!
Your heart is weary 
But don't give up. 
I will make you a stronger woman
Than you ever were before
and your wretched state will make you humble
There is no fate that makes you crumble
Don't set a curse over your life
Just believe in the dark of night. 
All the choices love, 
the choices are what make the daylight
Its the choice to believe that will set all things right. 
The power is there, inside my hand
But you'll live outside the promise land
And long as you believe there is no choice
If you listen to that lie and obey that voice. 
There is freedom through this pain 
There is sun above the rain
There is laughter through the stitches
This is my promise to you. 
There is a shelter from the onslaught
There is joy from up above
There is laughter through the stitches
There is a perfect kind of love. 

- - -
100 times a day
I see your face
and run away
I am so weary God
I am so dreary
The sun itself
could not illum-
inate this dreary heart.
I think of the pain
Of the curses
Of the rain
and of the hurts and
I just can't seem to get
out from under
this weight.
It crushes me
Crushes my chest
Twists my thoughts away
from what I know is best.
It is my enemy
The fabric inside of me
Oh how I hate who I am
I feel ugly
Worthless and defeated
Relentlessly cursed
Selfish and evil
Full of disregard.
Falling upon her face
So very hard.
Disbelieving doubting
worthlessly a lie
a pretender and a hypocrite
Who should bid the world
I should give up the ghost
Bury the host
And give the Devil what he wants most.
But somehow I remember you paid for me in blood
and that was love,
but everything has been tainted,
even holy things I used to think of.
Like a gutter kicked into my mind,
it spilled over, and left nothing holy to find.
I am tainted, I am tainted! So I will run away!
I am evil, I am evil...
Oh death, please sting away...

- - -
Here are strong arms to hold you
Here are ears to listen 
Here is a song to sing
Your Daddy is here. 
Here is a face to behold
Here is a day to unfold
Here is my love that will hold
Your Daddy is here. 
Have faith which moves the mountains
Its alright to just rest
and have peace. 
Don't you see? 
My joy will commence after you die
When you die to your visions of glory 
and let me rule your life. 
I understand all of your wounds
I know you better than even you
I know you need to hear I love you 
So many times a day
And I will never tire of telling 
The same thing as before
I love you. 
I love you, 
I will quietly love you, 
and I won't betray you
or leave you and slam the door. 

- - - 

The devil came
Kicked in the door
Like he had so many times before
And he took my mind
I let him inside
Thinking that was who I was.
But tonight,
when he came and whispered
And told me lies,
Cause he always tells me lies
My soul flipped it back on him,
and used the sword
I could feel the fight in my chest
and with one quick twist
I disarmed the enemy.
I closed off my ears to the lies
and walked away from his cold, dead eyes
That say they see right through me,
but they are blind
Oh, what a lie!
He tries to tell me things
and self-fulfill his prophecies,
but he can't hold this over me.
I'm crawling back to God.
I know I'll struggle.
I know I'll fight
I know there will be some long, hard nights.
But I am ready to be told
I have already been sold
And bought with the precious blood of Christ.

- - - 

I choose to believe.
No more doubt
So crippling
Even in the storms of fear
You're right here.

I want the truth
Even when it hurts
I want the light
No longer dirt.

Make me like I was
when I was young.
The stubborn mind
Completely undone.

No living lies
Just loving truth.
No pride besides
Taking reproof.

- - -

All the things I have asked of you
Which are in accordance with your will
You will grant me.
You will shatter me
until I am willing to see what was really inside.
You alone will put wellness in my soul and peace
in my mind.
You will only have me pure,
there is no other way.
You will not have me pure by my own standards.
You will have me in accordance with your will.
There is no other way.
You will have me emptied of myself,
Humbled in front of the congregation
Humbled in front of all of heaven
My worst sins exposed,
by my own admission.
Willing to say whatever was in my soul
Whatever was in my head
In order to be set free.
Willing to suffer
Willing to bend and break
Just to be near you for your own sake.
I will be in accordance with your will
There is no other way.
You must supply me with strength
and love
there is no other way.
Not because I am simply weak,
But because there is nothing in me
that is good.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Song - Weak Man

"Jesus, give me your heart. Burn away all the dross." 

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

First Day of Dance School

Got me a new outfit yesterday =D
Class went really well, first time teaching tap! 
We studio girls moved lots of stuff over to the brand new studio, and it felt like we were all moving into a new home. No more Bob! (the infamous big post in the middle of our dance floor) and everything is all new and clean and painted... so nice. Love it, love it! 

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Thursday, August 21, 2014

You Already Take Me There

You already take me there. 
In the Here and Now.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Pressing Through

Psalm 56: 3-4
When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. In God I have put my trust. I SHALL NOT BE AFRAID.

Jude 1: 23-35
Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the ONLY GOD OUR SAVIOR, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time, now and forever. Amen.

Psalm 34: 10
The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Hebrews 12:6
The LORD disciplines those whom He loves, and He scourges every son he receives.

2 Peter 2:9
...then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from temptation, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment for the day of judgement.

Luke 1:73-75
To grant us that we, being rescued from the hand of our enemies, might serve Him without fear, in holiness and righteousness before Him all our days.

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.

Proverbs 29:6
An evil man is ensnared, but the righteous sings and rejoices.

Psalm 149:3
Let them praise His name with dancing...

Psalm 144: 1
Blessed be the LORD, my rock, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle...

Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit also helps our weaknesses; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings to deep for words...

Philippians 1:6
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Magicians Nephew -
“Alas," said Aslan, shaking his head. "It will. Things always work according to their nature. She has won her heart's desire; she has unwearying strength and endless days like a goddess. But length of days with an evil heart is only length of misery and already she begins to know it. All get what they want; they do not always like it.”

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Do what you can

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

There is a story often told
the tale of a rabbit and a tortoise slow.

The hare was hurried and scurried and panicked
While the other was slow and took no step for granted.

While the rabbit made progress by leaps and bounds
He often stopped to rest and lost much ground.

The tortoise on the other hand, poky and slow
Never stopped for a breather and kept on the go.

The rabbit would laugh in the tortoise's face
And said, "You'll never get anywhere at that pace!"

But the tortoise wouldn't mind his aching feet
Nor the laughter of the rabbit ahead in the street.

He just kept steadily plodding on
Mumbling a rather soulful song

And though his neighbors laughed and jeered
He kept his gait and persevered.

The rabbit, though fast, never got too far
He became distracted, sidetracked, and tired.

Its true that had he kept up speed
He would have won quite easily

But as it stands he couldn't keep on the go
Unless people were watching, unless he put on a show.

And since there was no one to watch or to cheer
Or folks to impress, or outrun, or to fear

And because he thought himself so far ahead
That rabbit said he would take a nap instead.

As the rabbit was sleeping on the green of the lawn
The tortoise kept plodding from dusk till dawn.

When the rabbit awoke he was shamed to find
That the tortoise surpassed him, that he lost time.

The rabbit took off like a speeding bullet
To catch up with the tortoise but found that he couldn't.

For all of his agility, for all of his speed,
He did not possess the most important thing.

But the tortoise knew just what it took
A thing that ability might overlook.

You may be the very best
But if you often stop to rest
and don't have gumption to persist
Who can tell what you'll have missed.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Why Poets Are Crazy: An Analysis of the Artistic Psyche

Overstimulated. Obsessed. Introspective. Reclusive. Moody. Heartfelt. Calloused. Analytical. Impulsive. All of these words can be used to describe the persona of an poet. But why all the drama? What is it about the internal hard-wiring of a poet that makes him so easily affected by the world?

Firstly, a poet feels everything. They are like a nerve that is completely exposed. The slightest movement causes a reaction.The sky is not merely blue. It FEELS blue, or grey, or pink or whatever shade the sky might be at a particular moment. The ocean spray inspires a feeling. Relationships teem with feelings. A poet feels these particular feelings so acutely they are almost tangible. It is as though if they could be felt any deeper they might secrete out of the poets skin, like tears or sweat. In my opinion, this is why some people love to either make themselves cry or work out excessively. 

But many of these feelings are so fine, so thin and delicate, so one of a kind that they cannot hope to be accurately described by the broad brush words such as happiness, sadness, joy, loneliness, etc. Nor can they all be sweated or cried out of the system. Some of these feelings are so beautiful that the poet is scrambling to capture the feeling before it is forgotten. At other times, grotesque or wounding emotions gnaw away at the poets mind. In either case, the poet feels a deep need to get these feelings into something concrete, to get the feeling outside of themselves. If the poet does not, they may feel haunted by it until the feeling itself is replaced by that haunting itself. This feels similar to knowing a song, but not remembering the tune. In other cases, the poet may feel that they will simply explode if they do not somehow release what they are feeling. 

Because the human language is intensely limited, poets have found that by stringing words together, they can capture a rudimentary form of their emotion. Because of the limited nature of human vocabulary, poets have learned that not only the meaning of the words, but the meaning of the words grouped, or the sound of a word (even a made up one), or even the structure of words across a page can help to communicate their feelings more definitively. This is why you will often run across words that are not in existence within a poem, or you may find yourself confused by reading a poem "word for word."

It is not the words themselves, but the feeling and intention behind those words that make it a poem. If one sees a sunset and comments on the color of the sky, that is not a poem. If the same sunset made you feel a particular emotion and you began to write it down, it is a poem. That is why even a child can write a poem, and why many adults cannot. Poetry is another language all to itself. 

But speaking this language has a cost. Only a select few people speak it, and I believe that fewer people understand it. Much of real poetry (and there is precious little of it) is the groanings and utterings of souls that don't understand themselves. Church goers might relate this as a sort of "speaking in tongues." The poet's intense yearning to understand the world around them and to be understood at the deepest level makes them prone to intense moods. One minute their brow is all thunder and clouds, the next, they are laughing at their folly. Then all at once they are sad that no one understands them. Then comes the desperate trying to make the world understand. This can also lead to the callous and jaded nature of the "seasoned" poet. 

Because poets are so prone to feeling, they learn to quickly quell their feelings in order to avoid pain. They learn to reject before they are rejected, to laugh when they wish to cry, to run and hide before anyone can find them. Without stability, something strong to support them, poets deaden like trees or feel the rush and crash of the cruel waterfall of unending emotion. Of course, we know that poets often try romantic love as the bolster of their life, only to have it dashed out from under them. Some turn to endless circular reasoning to ease the pain of their low points. This is why Buddhism and other Eastern religions are so popular among poets.  Others turn to the deadening of the senses through alcohol and drugs so that they are not subject to their feelings. Some use similar methods to feel all the more, thinking that an influx of emotion will feed their inner thirst which they try so hard to quench. 

Whatever their methods for coping, whether they are a tender shoot of grass poking their head up for the first time or a frostbitten old oak tree, every poet must admit to himself that he has been searching for an invariable something. A something that will catch and cure him, pursue and understand him, explain the world and yet leave certain mysteries to be explored. He is driven into a sort of madness by this quest. Those who are scientific minded may think this a cruel psychological game fabricated by man's inner need for more, a sort of spiritual greed. They believe if man could only accept that he is an animal he would be forever content. 

And yet, any poet can tell you that he has almost glimpsed that something more. They saw it peeking behind the stars. They witnessed it in the glimmer of someone's eyes. They felt it in the stillness of dawn. And that tantalizing Something has almost touched them at one point or another. If the poet could be honest, if he could set aside his predactions and prejudices, if he could become comfortable with the uncomfortable, he might come close to peering into the fierce and gentle, untouchable and intimate, magnificent and minute. This is the cure for the poet's madness; an acceptance of that which he cannot understand, a humble yet adventurous spirit, and most importantly to rest inside the Something, dare I say, the Someone who knows what all his poetry means. 

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

every day

every day is a little battle lost or won.
             the pin pricks you feel are the finer points of victory

or defeat. 

not one chance that slips by is hopeless. 

            but if you should ever come to believe this 

you die. 

every waking moment is an investment in your soul.

          if you should choose to lie down before the dawn 

its lost. 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Higher, Faster, Higher

Life is like a swing. It carries you high up in the air, then scrapes you close to the ground. Sometimes it makes your stomach drop and your head spin, other times it rocks you slow and gentle. But the key to enjoying it, is to let go, to not hold on so tightly, and release yourself to the force that is already carrying you.

As a young child, I loved the swings at our local park. I used to beg my dad to push me with the chant, "Higher, faster! Higher, faster!"Then, I suddenly went through this phase where I realized, "Oh my goodness, I have been endangering myself! What if I fall off! How in the world could I go up so high without freaking out!" So I stopped swinging. I abandoned it altogether and let my fears keep me from the thing I once enjoyed so much.

One day, I saw a lady with her daughter sitting on the swing. I can't be exactly sure, but I think they were Chinese. At any rate, I don't remember her speaking English. The mother was sitting on the swing with her daughter in her lap. I remember her talking or singing to her child, and for some reason I felt like I could face my fear. I mounted the swing and closed my eyes, wishing I could rid myself of the knots in my stomach, wishing I could enjoy the swing as I used to. I concentrated on the woman's voice, not knowing what she was saying but understanding her meaning, and found myself letting go. I swung. I bit my lip. I swung a little higher. My stomach flopped around, but at least I was doing it. I was swinging! The more I swung, the more I found myself losing my fears. After awhile, I wasn't even thinking about my fears. It was just the swing and me, getting carried higher, faster, higher...

Sometimes, I'm so busy concentrating on my fears, or on overcoming obstacles that I am paralyzed. But it isn't about that. I will always sit there, tightly wound and afraid if I am listening to the voices and fears inside of me. Over-analyzing will only ever slow me down. What I need to do is climb into the swing, close my eyes, listen to the voice of Jesus, without a thought to my safety or security, get lost in the rush of the ride, and let him gently push me higher, faster, higher.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Yes. No. Yes

Sometimes we blink and stare, thinking, "Did this all just happen to me? How did it all occur? How did I survive that?" And we are left to look at the sky in deep wonder, gratefulness and hope turning over in our chest, and a deeper trust in what remains unshakable growing like roots and vines and streams and rivers into the deepness of ourselves, which none can touch until we are broken. 

There are new beginnings.
I'm here to say to myself alone,
the air is clearer, and you can breath.
You are safe,
safe even from yourself.

Now is not the time to run.
Now is the time to thrive.
Cast of the pall of yesterday,
and don't be constrained
by the wants of tomorrow.

Let me be done forever
with your deeds and misfortunes
and rituals. I am not my own,
but within that, I have found me.
I am nothing and I am everything
at the same time.

For someone in deep space loves me;
Nothing else matters now...

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

this is it

this is it.
the perfect.
the thing i've been waiting for.
it isn't much.
i ate too much.
my skin isn't glowing yet.
but my heart isn't heavy.
the night air is brushing
against me
just like it did
all those years ago.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Growing Pains

Life is not as complicated as it seems. Life is also not as easy as I thought it should be. We say we know what life is about, but when it comes down to it, do I really believe it? When I am shaken to the core, what comes out of me? I'm surprised, shocked even sometimes by the lack of faith, constancy, sanity, intelligence, and goodness I show. I am horrified at my own failures. Did I really think that? Do that? Say that? Was I really living that way? When did I ever do something really worthwhile on my own? What am I doing with my life?

I do not want to be one with great dreams, and many ideas, but never make an impact. It reminds of a story that scared me to death when I was little. I can't remember the exact title, but lets call it, "The Girl Who Never Finished Anything." It was all about this box that contained half-way finished projects. The sad thing was, the work started out well, but it was never completed. This girl, she knew how to do things, but she didn't have enough gumption, enough determination to see it through to the finish line.

In my short life, I have learned a lot; a lot about relationships, health, God and his plans for this world. But what is the use if I don't apply it. I have been thinking a lot lately. Now is the time to re-evaluate. Do you really want to do this thing? Do you really want to be the very best you can be? No more trying to make it easier for yourself. No more excuses. No more succeeding in one area and relaxing in all the rest. No. Its all in or all out. Its all or nothing at all. Yeah, life is tough, kid. Sometimes you don't see things coming. But what kind of person do you want to be? You know that Jesus has some really awesome stuff planned, but your scared because it might not be what you want. You hate the fact that you can't rely on yourself. You hate the fact that God is vigorously chipping away at that "inner strength" you hold so dear because until you are broken, you can't make an impact.

So I'm not telling you to buckle down, grit your teeth, and rely on yourself. You will fail. Accept the fact. You will fall apart. Its part of your growing pains. Buckle down, grit your teeth, and allow God to be the strength in your veins. Ask him every second of every day to be your all in all, not just in theory, in the pages of your prayer journals, or the margins of your Bible, but in your every heart beat, in your very eyes, in your tainted blood. See, life is not so easy. And yet life is not so hard.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Enough Talk, Just Do

Mega phones
Mega churches
Mega attitudes
Mega bleachers
Mega preachers
Enough talk, just do.

Fake the walk
Fake the praise
Fake beatitudes
Fake the future
Fake the signs
Enough talk, just do.

Living selfish
Living easy
Living faux-infused
Living breezy
Living hazy
Enough talk, just do.

You agree
You imply
You'll reach out for the moon
You are in this
You would die
Enough talk, just do.

I'm only talking to myself,
Are you talking to you?

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Confusing the Tiger Wasp

I wrote this poem almost two years ago. Its been playing in my mind over and over this past week. 

When all our things
Have been broken
And none can seem
To put it right
We'll turn to someone else
For a remedy
For the sting in our eyes.
I'm broken in the telling
But I don't mind.
I'll meet you by
The water well
If its in the design.
I will wear yellow
If you will wear black.
We'll confuse the tiger wasp
We'll get her back.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Make A Living

via google

First of all, Switchfoot's new album is up on First Play on itunes... So that's pretty much all I've been listening to for the past 3 days... I can't believe I haven't really posted any of their music before, but I discovered them freshman year of highschool, and then I began blogging senior year, and I had been busy discovering indie music. 

Second, here something I read this morning, written by the lead singer (and my foremost father figure).

You want to know the meaning of life? This is your highest calling: You are called into the dynamic co-creation of the cosmos. This breath is your canvas and your brush. These are the raw materials for your art, for the life you are making. Nothing is off limits. Your backyard, your piano, your paintbrush, your conversation, Rwanda, New Orleans, Iraq, your marriage, your soul. You’re making a living with every step you take. So when you make a living, do not merely make money. Why settle for cash when joy is on the line? You feel a thrill when you dance, when you sing, when you finish your poem; even when you sweep the room you see order pressing back against the chaos. So when you create, never settle for making a living — at least not the way that the world might define that phrase. When you make a living, you are speaking a new world into existence. You are creating grace within the confines, you are co-signing God’s blank checks
- Jon Foreman

So, I'm off to make my living today! 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

I Could Break Your Heart

Cold and icy
Over the phone
His soul is a blank stare
The wind can't blow

I could break your heart
I'd break it fast
But I won't cause I don't want to
I want your heart to last
for me

Selfish and cruel are you
I'd break you if I wanted to
Selfish and cruel are we
But I wouldn't cry tears
I didn't want you to see.

Funny thing,
How I don't care.
Who really holds the strings my dear?
My heart is an island
You think you have reached,
You said it right,
My walls can't be breached.

Its you whose really under a spell,
Because I don't care for you as well
As you think that I do,
I'm a cruel person too.
But I'm learning to love,
Which is more than I can say
For you, my dove.

Friday, January 3, 2014

When It Doesn't Fit

Too many things have happened from Thanksgiving to Christmas. I have decided that I won't let my mouth run here. I think there is a balance of sharing your heart with the world. But I will say that I have gained friends and lost them so fast my head was spinning for days. Our cat, Richie, died. Tears were shed. Things were torn apart. This was the first Christmas when everything really fell apart. I guess you would call it my first bad Christmas. But, this blog is all about firsts right now.

Maybe you've had holidays like that. Or maybe every holiday has been that way. I am sorry. I know that words really don't mean much when your heart is breaking, but I understand that pain on a deeper level than before. I know how it feels to simply want things to work, but everything is broken, and no matter how hard you try, things simply won't fit. The highs and lows are horrible. The light that serves everyone else around you only serves as a measure to the darkness inside your heart.

But despite all of that, I am ok. I used to set such store by holidays. I idolized getting the family together, and having everything be just so. But in this world you will have trouble, and the tighter you hold onto things, the faster you lose them. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm learning to live my life with open hands, saying, "God, put in and take out whatever you want." That is hard for a control freak like me. But the grass withers and the flowers fade. If I try to hold on, I am merely trying to grasp at the impossible. Nothing is sound.

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